All This Time

Pumpkins, this platform (pronounced subs-tack, as in something that submarines do when they turn bow into the wind) lets me see which one of you has opened and read the newsletter, individually, which is unbearably gross. I will not be looking at it. Nonetheless thank you for giving up so much of your privacy for this garbage, and thank you also for the 69 percent open rate (I know what you expect me to type right here but I have a policy of No Internet Comedy Ever). I'm equally thankful that 31 percent of you are already thinking better of it.

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